We started our night at Green Rock. Rain was pouring hard all day, and didn't let up when we got to Hoboken. I realized halfway to Green Rock that my shoe had a hole in it. Immediately I became aware of the fact that my entire right foot was soaked. My right step squished as I walked into the bar. Brent, Mike, Casey, and Joshua (Joshua? I don't know, I just met him that night), were on their way out when I arrived.
Brent decided he needed a vest (what?), so we walked down Washington street to where Brent thoguht a vest may be up for purchase. The store we went to was this uber-trendy shop where the three gay boys in Hoboken must shop. The clerk had one of those creative stenciled beards that were popularized by AJ, the Backstreet Boy who went to rehab. Feeling awkward, I asked the clerk if they carried PRPS jeans. They didn't, which felt, for some reason, like a small victory.
Brent and I left for the auction. On the way, we both had to pee, so we ducked into 4Ls and had a beer. Our waitress was very charming, and immediately loved us when we mentioned we were getting auctioned off to fight cancer (which is exactly how I put it). She said we definitely needed a drink and gave us the impression that she would stop by when her shifted ended. She didn't, but the hope of that was nice enough.
We got to Texas, Arizona, where the Bachelor Auction was being held. The place was packed shoulder to shoulder with women of all ages, shapes, and sizes. Brent and I checked in, and went to go try to fight our way to the bar. Being smaller than 80% of the guys in Jersey, I was able to find a small hole in the crowd around the bar (not unlike how all that rain water found a small hole in my shoe and took immediate advantage). We got two Budweisers (which is the King of Beers and the best beer in the world... send me free beer), and walked around introducing ourselves to people. Soon enough, we were speaking with a cougar named... something, I don't know, she had a name, and a somewhat younger woman who was actually kind of cute and maybe only a few years older than me. She had a name too. They told us we were the nicest guys they met all night, and that they would definitely bid on us. I was just happy someone that I don't know what going to bid on me.
Walt and Erin came in and the auction began soon after. Brent was number 35, and I was number 32, which Kiera (the organizer of the event) said was good, because people get more desperate at the end of the night and bid more.
Oh, I almost forgot to mention, Brent informed me shortly before the auction began that a lot of the bachelors were recruited from Club H, and were mostly personal trainers... fab.
The auction began and people were going for modest amounts: $30, $40, whatever. Generally it was pretty bland until a guy got up who unbuttoned his shirt and had another shirt with his name on it. Then he started throwing his headshots out into the crowd. Then he held up a sign for his website. It turns out he was a comedy writer in New York. But sorry comedy writer, this is Jersey. The only writing people do here is when they sign their Jegerbomb tabs at the end of the night. He went for $30.
J-Nel arrived shortly after, in a black North Face jacket that looks suspiciously red under black light...
Some other stuff happened and then I was up. I walked up to the stage, getting ready to go up to the auction block. I'm watching the guy before me flex, and pose, and do his thing. I also filled the time by talking to the other bachelors on deck. They were both pretty drunk, but really nice and both pretty nervous. And that's the weird thing, I wasn't nervous at all. I hadn't been nervous about it at any point going up to the event, nor was I before I went up. I was, maybe for a little, when I saw Senior Beefcake from Club H go for $150, but other than that I was fine.
The song changes, which is my cue to go up to the auction block. It's Sir Mix-a-Lot's "I like Big Butts," which is just false advertising because I, in fact, am not a great fan of big butts. And then, right as I'm making the short 15-foot walk up to the block, this kid jumps up onto the stage, knocks over a couch, apologizes, and walks off. What the hell? I still don't know what he was doing, but apparently there was somewhere he needed to be. There was a bachelor emergency that I didn't know about, or something.
I stand up on the auction block, remembering at this point that I was instructed not to dance or jump on the block (damn). And right when I see people winding up to bid, dear Kiera decides to go into some administrative anouncements. Apparently bachelors 16 and 18 had not yet been paid for, and there is an entire protocal that has to happen if they are not paid for, which Kiera took the time to outline while I stood on the small black box... unable to dance or jump.
I continued to stand on the box, growing more and more anxious, and more and more fired up. I even struck a conversation with a girl at the side of the stage about how awkard the whole thing was. Finally, I decided it made no sense for me to keep standing up there, so after what felt like 10 minutes, I turned around and walked off. Then, of course, as soon as I turn around, Kiera decides to introduce me.
At this point, everyone's already sick of me. The momentum is gone, and they want to move on. They had time to observe how awkward I am when forced to stand in front of a sea of 200 people, motionless, while "I Like Big Butts" plays in the background. PS: If anyone ever finds a way to look cool in that situation I'll give them $1000 a week to teach me all their secrets.
I stood there, squishing my toes into my wet right shoe, looking for my peeps. Where'd the cougar with the name go who said she's bid on me? Where's that girl who tapped me on the shoulder and said I looked like Ryan Seacrest (in a good way) go? Where's Casey's friend who said she'd be here? Oh right, she was sick. Lauren, where's Lauren from work? Oh right, they had launch today and she probably just had the longest day ever... Where are my peeps?!
Then I saw Erin, ah Erin, in her infinite charity and graciousness, bid on me. Then some other girl who Brent knew, then Erin again, then I got distracted by watching Kiera and wondering if she knew what she did. Then back to Erin, and then something else happened probably, and then I was sold, for $40 to Erin. And this was actually a huge relief for a couple reasons, the first being that I wasn't publicly humiliated and not just given away, and the second being that I like Erin, and I'd gladly take her out (as opposed to some desperate old lady who wants a baby or something).
And then, probably because I'd been drinking and hadn't eaten anything all day and had had the longest week at work, I began to just seathe with rage. Why would Kiera do that to me? Why did I agree to this whole thing? Why did I let a bunch of Jersey kids shallowly quantify my value in a public forum? I was past rational. I wasn't thinking about the fact that no one there was even giving me any thought, and that later this would be a funny story. I was hungry, and tired, and a little drunk, and my ego was bruised.
And then Erin came up to pay for me, and gave them an extra $40, and made me feel nominally better. On top of that, she was going to make Walt take her out instead of me, so I didn't even have to buy someone dinner!
Walt's reaction:
Then Brent was up. Oh Brent, with all your blonde-headed hotness. You can look, but don't touch (you might get burned). Brent got up and hands shot up left and right. The guy could do not wrong--imagine if he was allowed to dance! Eventually, after a vicious bidding war, Brent went to 4 girls from Hoboken for the handsome sum of $90!
They settled up, exchanged phone numbers, and Brent, Erin, J-Nel, Walt, and I went back to Green Rock. Mike and Casey met us there. We drank some more beers, and talked about the whole experience. Brent made dough-eyes at the guy playing guitar, and I shoved some more beers into my stomach. That night, I got home at 2:00am. The next morning I was exhausted... but it was worth it, because cancer fucking sucks.
Jazz!
3 comments:
This a lot more exciting than you made it sound on the telephone. You see? You see why it's so important to blog?
Great post, loved it.
Hey Erin, I can be had for a lot less than $40!
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