How Much Do I Owe the State of New York, Again?

I did my taxes tonight. Apparently I owe the state of New York $540. For some reason it wasn't being taken out of my paycheck. I don't know if this is the recession or what, but it kind of goes without saying, this was unexpected.

Last year I made money, lots of money, buy a new mattress kind of money. But this year, not so much. My federal refund was $38. This was unhelpful, in fact, I felt like the federal government was mocking me. This was made doubly obnoxious when TurboTax charged me $67 for the pleasure of finding out I owe the government $540 dollars.

Here's the thing, though: what am I paying for? I don't drive, so am I paying for roads? No. I don't partake in any government-funded heathcare facilities, I have insurance. Kids, of course, if I had kids I'd be paying for school funding, and that's a noble cause, right? Oh, but I don't have children. In fact, one of the primary reasons I don't have children is because they cost a lot of money--maybe even more than $540. But Marc, surely you enjoy driving around on public streets in your sweet ride! Nope, no car. I don't drive and I love it, what I don't love is paying public works via the state government for roads and highways that I never use. Give me an intricate series of trails and my $540, and I'll buy myself a dirt bike.

So what am I paying for? Why am I paying these absurd, inflated federal taxes? We deduct for so many things already. Here are some questions TurboTax asked me this evening: Did you have a baby this year? Did you get married? Did you pay college tuition? What is the definition of "peripatetic?"

All of the answers to the above questions were No, aside from the last one. The definition of peripatetic is: (adj.) one who travels or walks from place to place. There's your word of the day.

What's going on with that Obama $2500 stimulus check? The Republicans want tax cuts, and to raise tax credits on home purchases from $7500 to $15000... I've got an idea: how 'bout we get those checks printed up so I can PAY MY TAXES!

Here's another interesting point, one that's less irrationally bitter: If we create a stimulus package that benefits only homeowners, that doesn't trickle over to me. Sure, the banks have money to lend again (hopefully, but I don't necessarily see how tax credits on home purchases do that), and homeowners are doing better, but how does that trickle over to me? Homeowners have more money to spend, they maybe get lower interest rates. But does this plan work under the assumption that the homeowners and banks alone will pull us out of this tailspin? The banks are going to keep lending "fake" money, and if homeowners get that break sure, maybe they'll spend the savings in the country and stimulate the economy...

But hey, hello, lest we forget about Marc in the City, the city that's making him pay $540 in state taxes! Look, what I'm saying, B-rock (if I can call you that), is that you're gonna' lose me to the other side if you don't get this shit handled. I like my money. I like having nice things, and not being in debt, and not having panic attacks when I have to fork over $500.

Why do I keep bringing up that $540? Well, think of it this way: If I was in a car accident and had to pay the hospital $540 before my insurance claim went through (which happens more often than you think), or perhaps my car broke down and the only way I could get to my job so I could make money was to throw down $500 for brakes. Incidentally, both of things have happened to me, actually, the brakes were $800. Luckily I was working in a job that provided me with a good income, and was living in a time when there weren't 800,000/day.

So here's the thing, federal government: you need to get your relationship with the states in order. You let California legalize medical marijuana, then you raid their shops and criminalize the owners. You have a government coffer that takes a bunch of my money, then the state of my residence takes even more. And you know what? I get that. I understand that federal funds are used for bigger things like welfare, and social security, and bombs; and I get that state funds are used for state things: like schools, and roads, and state-operated walk-in clinics, and whatever else. But hey, I know, the government does some good things, and has some good intentions.

Social Security, that's a very nice idea. So is welfare. And you know what, I fucking love the US Postal Service. But due to party bickering and their inability to make any decisions, and due to bad management, and due to the fact that these funds are tied up in so many other government projects that if one falls the others sink. It's a delicate lattice, you could say.

Let me explain that last point: If there's a big pool for social security and there's a big pool for the war on terror and there's a big pool for welfare, the one that holds precedent gets to take money from the other pools. And who decides who gets this money? The administration. No shit, Marc, I already understood that.

How can we divide these pools adequately so they don't bounce back and fourth, F each other up, and generally wreak a bunch of nonsensical havoc? Let's start with me being really honest: I don't want to pay for Jolene's baby over there in Mississippi or wherever. She made some bad decisions and she should deal with them. Then again, Jolene works at Taco Bell and doesn't have insurance? So she's in a pickle, right? Or I am, because I'm paying for her birth, or even abortion for that matter. Well, let's privatize that shit. Corporations work in a competitive market, and the market yields competitive prices that ultimately yield the most economical solution for everyone.

OK, that makes sense. Let's forget John McCain's insane health insurance credit voucher for $10,000 or whatever it was that you could use however you saw fit (my work insurance plan is probably somewhere around $30,000, which very clearly illustrates how ridiculously feeble the McCain plan was--out of touch, etc.). But we're forgetting that. How about we all pay a certain amount of money to the company of our choice and they provide insurance? Well, where does that leave people who can't afford that basic health insurance? Shit happens, people get cancer and cancer doesn't fucking care if you're rich or poor or Rick James or Jolene the Taco Bell employee of the month. So Jolene has cancer now (sorry Jolene), and her privatized insurance plan is the introductory one (the Silver Plan), the one that says you can only have generic medication and co-pays are extravagant. She can only see certain doctors, and only certain medications are covered, because she could only afford the plan that covers flu-shots, and ear infections, and broken arms.

Now here's me, rolling up to the hospital, with (by-God!) the same cancer. But look, I have the Platinum Plan. Let's hook that shit up! Give me the good pain meds, play a movie on the HD while I drink my chemo smoothie and try to get this cancer licked so I can make my 7:30 flight to Prague.

What I'm getting at is that privatizing medical care creates this massive gap between the income brackets, to the point where we have the very very poor being sick, and the very very rich balling it up on a yacht in the Baltic Sea. But Marc, if all the poor people are gone won't we just be left with all the rich people? That sounds great! Survival of the Fittest!

No asshole, someone's got to steer the yacht. Someone's got to prepare the sushi that you're eating off that European supermodel's naked body. Look, all this does is perpetuate an income schism that benefits the rich and punishes the poor. Incidentally, the middle-class, you don't exist anymore... sorry.

So what's left? The government? Of course, the government, they don't care about rich or poor! They don't care if you made $100 or $100,000 dollars last year! But hey government, I already told you, I don't want to pay for Jolene's baby. Hmm... that's a toughy.

Well, Marc, says the government. How do you feel about paying a very small fraction of Jolene's baby, and in return she'll pay a very small fraction of a yet to be determined ailment you have later?

Hmm, tell me more.

Well, see, if we take everyone's couple dollars here and there, we can put it in a big pool. But not just any pool, it's its very own little program, its own little fund that can't be touched by anyone. It applies to everyone, so why don't we call it "Universal Healthcare."

Again, hmm... government, I think that makes sense, but like I said, I don't like the idea of paying for Jolene's baby.

Look, Marc, here's the deal, says the government. Stop being a selfish dick. I get that you work hard for your money, I really do. But ultimately, in the grand scheme of things, this makes sense for you too. See, if Jolene can have her baby, and not have to worry about making ends meet, and struggling to pay bills while feeding her baby, it creates a culture of destruction.

Whoa, government, you're getting a little dramatic.

Hear me out, Marc. Maybe "culture of destruction" was dramatic, but how about: it lowers the mean quality of life. See, if Jolene is constantly struggling it puts a strain on the other entities around her, much like the lattice you described above. If Jolene has relatives, she's going to borrow money from them, or maybe move in with them. Now, because she doesn't have that money she's not buying her own home, she not creating equity for herself.

As a result, she's working hand to mouth and not striving to become more. Maybe she didn't go to college because she was stuck working for her baby. Because she didn't go to college, she didn't get that job with that publishing company where she was a very good employee (would be employee of the month, if they had that sort of thing). She's participating in the global market now, the workforce. She's not pushed down be the inability to pay her bills, but pulled up by the possibility of a future. When we pull Jolene up from the Taco Bell, it pulls everyone like her up too. That's good for you (you Platinum Plan sonuvabitch) because now you have more skilled workers to apply towards your vision of electric cars, or jet packs, or publishing literature that entertains or makes people think in new and interesting ways.

Sure, it's going to be hard for her to go to school and raise a kid, but she can do it--Jolene's a smart girl. In fact, Jolene happens to have an exceptional aptitude for lateral thinking, but you wouldn't find that out if she never learned what lateral thinking was.

But doesn't that mean everyone's taxes go up?

Well... yes. But hey, we kind of already talked about the benefits of that. I get that you're rich, hypothetically wealthy Marc, and I, the government, understand that you don't feel like you should have to pay for a something you could easily find cheaper. The thing is, this is better for all of us in the long run. And someday, when you decide to have that baby, it'll be nice to know that you can keep your wallet in your back pocket, even if you could have thrown down the cash.

But won't people start having babies and doing drugs all the time and not taking care of themselves if the solutions (free birthing/abortions, drug rehab, and lypo-suction/gastric bypass surgery) are readily available?

That's a stupid question.

I think it's a very good question.

OK, here's the deal: People are going to have babies they don't want to have, people are going to do drugs if they want to do drugs, peeps is gonna' eat them Big Macs. But now that drug addict has options and can become a productive member of society once he's off the shit. Rich people don't say "Oh, I'm gonna' get addicted to heroin, then when it gets out of hand I'll just go to the rehab clinic and be cured and look back on the experience as a wild lark." That doesn't happen. Fat-ness is a lifestyle. Look at you. You don't eat a lot of sugar, take the stairs whenever possible, Marc, you run for fun for Christ sake. And I know you like all that greasy food shit. I've seen you eat a burger with a milkshake more than once. But are you going to do that everyday now because you can get bypass surgery whenever you want? No. Fat people (fuck saying "obese," they're fat) have glandular issues, self-control issues, or whatever. People don't choose to be fat. Being fat sucks. You can't go up stairs, or walk very far. Fatness comes with breathing problems, risk of kidney failure, all that fun shit. Let's cure the disease, not treat the symptoms. Maybe if people weren't paying off that un-insured abortion they can start eating organic. They won't, I'm just saying. Being fat is an American thing, OK, let's be honest. You want to stop fatness in America, I don't even know where to begin. But it's not going to get to the point where we're handing out vouchers for stomach stapling with every order of 16-piece original recipe KFC.

Huh. I feel like I'm forgetting something.

If you think of it later we can come back to it.

But, isn't this Socialism?

(sigh) I hate you, Marc.

What? I think that's a fair question. And honestly, didn't you kind of see it coming?

I kind of did, yeah. It's not socialism. Socialism is a label that extremists have put on government programs because it makes everyone think of the USSR. What do you call it when a parent tells their kid to share.

Socialism?

No, parenting. You call that parenting. They're giving their kid the tools they need to be a useful member of society. The parents aren't following their kids to school and distributing blocks equally to everyone, they're just giving an over-arching plan that helps all the kids and creates a better child.

I'm lost.

Let's look at Universal Healthcare, because that's what we're talking about. You and Jolene each pay, let's say, $300/year for this healthcare system, organized and run and operated by the government. Now you go live your life and Jolene, you go live your life. Get a job doing what you love, go to school, look up that cute boy you went to high school with, meet for coffee, flirt a little, fool around in your one-bedroom, and marry. Fuck, I don't care. And when Jolene and that kid from high school need shots for their baby, here I am, the government, to give the kid his shots. You're not a number, and you're not a faceless citizen. You never will be, because I understand that that's tyranny, that's totalitarian bullshit.

I know, "well government, if you think everyone should pay the same amount into a large coffer and they're all equal and all that, what happens when you start dictating where people should work? Where manpower should be best allocated? When do you take over corporations and start paying everyone equally for the same amount of work, and you become the Gulag?"

Here's the thing, Marc. That's not going to happen. There's that part in the constitution that talks about citizens rebelling against a crooked government. If you want to go with that argument you can. Otherwise, here's another one. I'm not going to lose sight of democracy, that's the difference between me and the Soviet Russia. I understand capitalism, and competition is necessary. I hate to say this because it's kind of an easy argument, but look at Sweden! Shit, those people are happy, they elect their own officials and have universal healthcare, and they're doing just terrific. If you're rich, you're still going to be rich. Shoot, Steve Forbes, you can stand to pay $300/year or whatever. Let's not talk about percentages and tax bracket payments and all that because it'll complicate things. And after you pay that $300/year you're not going to be poor, you're still going to be one of the wealthiest people in the world. I'm not going to swoop down and surreptitiously steal all your money. Stop being an extremist. I can be extreme. How about I start calling you and Pat Buchanan and all the other Republicans "Conservative Fundamentalists?" Sounds pretty harsh, right? Well... fuck you.

You're not a very good speller, government.

I hear that all the time.

I guess I kind of understand the value of taxes now. They have the potential to do great things for people. My wrist surgery cost me thousands of dollars (and my parents--they definitely paid a lot of that--thank you). These were dollars I could have used to pay off my credit cards, or go out to dinner more, and generally stimulate the economy. That massive medical bill not only effected me, but my family, and all the businesses that would have benefited from my hated of cooking and borderline alcoholism.

So, the $540... are we good?

NO! Fuck no! Are you kidding me? Look, government, all that stuff you said about Universal Healthcare, and the general good of taxing for certain things, that made plenty of sense to me. But here's the thing, I'm not reaping any benefits from it. It's like I said before, the state of New York charged me an absurd amount of money and helped me how? Honestly, how has my quality of life improved in New York because of these taxes. I still live in a pretty shitty apartment for how much I pay, and my streets are covered in dog shit all the time. I'm willing to pay my share, I ride the subway, I put trash out, but $540? Our school system is fucking awful, one of the worst in the world. I sound like a snob saying that, but it's bad. I should be able to speak French now. I should be able to multiply three-digit numbers together in my head. I should understand basic Physics principles. But I don't. That's not to mention the federal taxes I paid, thanks for the $38 back, btw.

Look, let me break this down for you, old school. Government, let's just call you "Obama," because it's short than G-o-v-e-r-n... you get the idea. You took the keys to this car crash of a country and got a raw deal, I get that. You want to be a uniter, not a divider, sure. Everybody should love everybody, let's make an orgy of ideas where everyone gets their swerve on, whatever. But now you're holding up your stimulus package because you want Republi... I mean, Conservative Fundamentalist support?

I read, I know that the mortgage crisis was actually more the liberals fault than anyones, but you know what wasn't--Iraq. You know what wasn't--Afghanistan. You know what wasn't--The destruction of social security, welfare, and several other programs that the government said were valuable and were tossed away like trash. You're the boss now, baby, and don't let my casual words dilute the powerful meaning behind them. You know who fucked up the country, the people you're trying to gain support from. So get under the hood, roll up those elephant sleeves and tinker around for a while, start the engine, and let's take this sonuvabitch for a drive. What they did wasn't working, but you control the House, the Senate, and the White House. The White House, to be honest, isn't necessarily the most powerful entity of those three, in fact, it's probably the least powerful because the White House doesn't vote for shit. The White House doesn't pass bills, or stimulus packages.

I'm getting off track. Scroll up, look at universal healthcare; let's just say it, look at all those things the Republics call socialism. It's your game now, you're the implement of change. The reason I'm pissed off about the $540 isn't because I don't know where it's going, it's that I know where it is going. I know it's going to a lot of bickering, a lot of things that are the product of two parties who are unable to understand each other. So that's why you want to be a uniter, not a divider. But here's a little piece of cynical, but honest advice: that's. never. going. to. fucking. happen. You know who could pull out of the recession? Santa Claus.

The best you can do, use the chance you got. Make changes that you know are good. And make those changes so good and so right and so beneficial to the general population that when you're out of office no one would dare reverse them. Make 'em think taking away the things you created are tyranny, that's how you're going to enact change, and that's how you're going to bring people together. Use those four or eight years to muscle your liberal agenda through the country, because God knows that's what the Republicans did for eight years. For god sake, don't just nance around and get everyone to hold hands, fucking fight. And when you do, I'll gladly pay my $540.