Celebrity Pregnancies are the New Black

It's been a few days now since US Weekly released their exclusive interview with Jamie Lynne Spears about her pregnancy at 16. The Nickelodeon star of Zoey 101 got knocked up by her 18-year-old, OC-doucebag boyfriend about 3 months ago. But everyone already knows this. That said, I still can't F-ing believe it.

Honestly, I think about it all the time. What the hell happened with this girl? How moronic do you have to be? It's just so perfect, the sister of train-wreck extraordinaire Britney Spears, and star of the most popular Nickelodeon show on TV is all "preggers" at 16. 16 years-old. Does she even have a driver's license yet? Consider, for a moment, this F-ed up American paradox:

You can legally get go to war and legally kill (and be killed) in defense of your country at 18;

You can legally get drunk on peach schnapps and Goldschlagger, and make-out with that kid from your Econ class who smells really terrible but you sort of always thought was cute in a dirty sort of way at 21;

and just when you're wondering when you'll ever be an adult, you remember that you can have a hit TV show and be stupid enough to get pregnant at the age of 16!

And this is ok? Maybe it's not ok, which is why it's getting so much attention. But here you go, something this bizarre is getting all this media attention, garnering a $1 million exclusive interview deal with a gossip magazine, and making people like me who didn't even know Britney Spears had a sister talk about her on my blog. Does this make it ok? Are we, as the American public, essentially promoting this stupid fucking behavior of hers?

Furthermore, you know this is a result of her stupid trashy family, right? I mean, come on, her name is Jamie-Lynn Spears. At face value that's not such a bad name, until you realize that her mother's name is Lynn and her father's name is Jamie. That's right, she was named after both her mother and father, because they're retarded Southerners who are strangely in love with themselves.

It's makes you wonder about how money changes people too though. I mean, obviously it changes people (especially when it's made too fast). But consider for a second how different people are changed differently when a bunch of cash and fame are tossed in their lap. Look at Anna Nicole Smith, and the Spears family. They got catapulted into this world that was so dissimilar to their simple, hick-y, Kentwood, Louisiana lifestyle. They became products of every vice in Los Angeles and became parodies of themselves. Essentially they are the litmus test for how fame effects children.

The mom is wearing clothes made for people half her age and look like an oompa loompa with an over-bite (see Dina Lohan). Britney is doing every crazy drug available because everyone around her is; texting while driving in her $300,000 car, wearing Prada dresses to pick up groceries, without shoes, etc, etc, etc. It's a sort of abject un-appreciation all of these things became they came too easily, and furthermore, were forced upon her as they were supposed to be the things you have when you're mega rich. But you can't take the South out of the girl... and that's not even a Southern thing though, that's a "Ignorant South" thing. So, to re-phrase, you can't take the Ignorant South out of the girl...

So now we have Jamie-Lynn Spears, the perfect example of how Laguna Beach, and her own sister made the most impressionable girls into over-sexualized caricatures. And this is what I'm getting at, the Ignorant South (by which I mean the ignorant parts of the South, not that the South is ignorant. By and large, I think Southern hospitality is awesome and very real) is just such a blank canvas. Money changed the Spears' by displaying every vice, every habit, and every pissy, privileged attitude onto them. So why didn't they gain any positive traits? Because the vices are much easier, and isn't that what the Ignorant South is about? Whatever is easiest? A culture where high school football and gun ownership are prized far above intelligence?

You did this to yourselves, Yokels. I guess. It wasn't the money, it was the attitude you had before the money and the fame that made the money and the fame so venomous. What I want to know is, how did no one rise above it? How is that so impossible? It's the lack of will and personal respect, the volunteering to continue to be a part of this self-destructive/culture-destructive system that I can't get over. Get the FUCK out of LA. Here are some other suggestions:

1) Start Reading: Things other than US Weekly and People. Those aren't bad once you get in the habit of not being god-damn retarded, but try something else first. Maybe an issue of TIME, or even GQ. Something with some literary merit. If that proves to be too much, travel back to Curious George books for a while, they'll warm your dead heart and get your mind off blow.

2) Don't Live with your Parents: If you're young and rich, and you're living with your parents, odds are that you're parents are more poisoned than you and likely taking your money. You became a cash cow when they started living in the house YOU bought. They are useless as parents now because you have all the power. "Oh, honey, you want to hit the club at 15? Ok, as long as you make it to rehearsal and pick up some of Columbia's finest on the way home."

3) Learn to Say No: You're rich and successful and people will keep liking you because you're rich and successful. You don't have to huff paint out of Pete Weintz' boxer briefs to make friends. Truth be told, you're probably better served to stay off the shit, get more movie roles, get richer, and stay pretty--that'll keep your "friends" around longer.

So what are we talking about now? Where was I even going with this? I have no idea. My point is that I can't get over the stupid decisions people like this make, and it keeps me awake trying to understand their perspective. I love watching train wrecks, we all do. I think what tipped the scales for me is that this 16-year-old girl did a stupid fucking thing and made $1 million dollars for it, and then proceeded to talk about it like it wasn't devastating. I don't care what she tells US Weekly, it's fucking devastating. Yet, in the interview we get gems like her mother whimsically telling stories about have Jamie-Lynn says "I think I'm showing," and mom says, "Oh shut up, no you're not!"

Truth be told, I bet it would have been a better interview if the interviewer asked "Are you embarrassed by this at all, or think you made a bad decision?" "Do you think you're being a bad role model?" "Is this something you thought about at all before you decided to get busy with your douchebag boyfriend from Newport Harbor? But US Weekly would never do that, because they like to coddle their money-makers. It just occurred to me that US Weekly is called US Weekly. They're not us. It should be called THEM magazine.

If we thought of celebrities, like truly thought of celebrities like us, with jobs and families, and personal drama, and insecurities, we wouldn't give a shit about them. Last night as I was going to bed, I was thinking about making lots of money. I'm absolutely convinced that I'm going to be super rich someday, anyone who knows me knows that, and I realized that regardless of how rich I am I'll always feel guilty for not calling my parents enough, for not knowing my cousins better, for leaving behind old friends that I cared so much about but don't get to talk to anymore. Celebrities are like US, all the time. It's not about whether or not they go to Starbucks, or walk their dogs, or go for runs occasionally, or play frisbee in the park; we don't even know them, they're symbols. Celebrities are like nice cars that you wish you could buy, that make you feel like an enviable human being.

So Jessica Alba is pregnant now too. And I hardly think about it. You know why? Because lots of successful, 26 year-old woman have babies. Yeah, she's really hot, and she'll probably continue to be hot when she's pregnant, just a little chubbier. But don't worry, she'll be back to normal in no time, 14 year-old boys (don't throw away your jizz rags just yet), and we'll all be back to the way things were. We'll have our Jessica back, just the way we like her, thin and pretty. And if we don't, we'll have someone new to laugh at! Just like high school, just like US.