Head Phones and Fruit Roll-Ups

I have this giant pair of giant DJ headphones that I wear occasionally when I don't feel like dealing with my crappy iPod headphones. The giant headphones are extremely conspicuous and sort of ridiculous and make me a little self-conscious about people thinking I'm trying too hard.

There are these three guys on 53rd who stand outside of the New York Public Library. They wear all camo gear and hold giant boxes of Fruit Roll-Ups. As you walk by, the three men holler at you from different angles, trying to get you to buy a Fruit Roll-Up for $1.

So I'm walking down the street the other day to get lunch, my giant headphones around my neck because I haven't figured out what I want to listen to yet. Suddenly, one of the camo guys pops out from behind the limits of my peripheral vision and asks me if I want to buy a Fruit Roll-Up. He's not out stealing or selling drugs, you see, but is doing something positive in the community in order to make money.

Editorial Note: Every one of these people on the street/in the subway says the same exact speech about how they're not out stealing or selling drugs to make money, but that they are trying to do something positive for the community. I swear, there's a website where they're all getting and memorizing this same speech.

"No thanks," I say.
"Come on, it's just a dollar. Don't you like Fruit Roll-Ups?"

Here's the thing: I am indifferent towards Fruit Roll-Ups. I realized after he asked that I could probably go my entire life without ever purchasing and eating another Fruit Roll-Up. I felt kind of good about that, like I'd grown up or something. Like the days of over-processed, super-sweet food were over, and that somehow made me an adult.

"No, I really don't want a Fruit Roll-Up," I said. "Besides, I don't even have any cash on me."
"Well what about those headphones around your neck? How much were those?"
"I don't think you have enough Fruit Roll-Ups in that box to buy my headphones," I said. "And what would I do with a box Fruit Roll-Ups?"

We both laughed, shook hands/"dapped each other up"/whatever you call it, and I asked him if I could get a picture.

"Sure," he said. "If you buy a Fruit Roll-Up."

Touche.